Till I See You Again

Monday, July 11, 2011

It's been over 2 weeks now since my world was just completely turned upside down.  And I still can't believe it.

For those of you that don't know yet, my brother, very unexpectedly passed away June 30th from a massive heart attack.  He was 36 years old, the father of two wonderful little girls, ages 11 and 13, and way too young for this to happen.  He was walking home from the grocery store and just collapsed 2 blocks from home.  Someone saw and called 911.  Unfortunately nothing could be done.  It turns out he had severe, chronic, cardiovascular disease.  It built up over a long period of time.  And he had no idea.  At least not as far as we know.  But even if he did have any warning signs, he probably didn't think it was his heart.  I mean who at 36 would?

None of that makes this any easier to get through though.  I don't have a big brother anymore.  I'll never get to see him again.  My niece won't ever get to hug their dad again.  Wednesday night after the funeral, I went to the cemetery with my parents, Aunt Sandy, Uncle Ralph, Uncle Bill, Sara, Kris and the girls.  That's when it really hit me.  Todd won't be around to see Lexy and Kailee graduate high school or get married.  He won't be here to dance with me at my wedding.  My kids will never get to meet their Uncle Todd.  I lost it.

You expect to have to say goodbye to your grandparents or your parents.  But not your brother.  Not now.  And I feel like I have to be so strong for my parents.  I don't know.  This whole thing has just been so hard, it's unreal.  Everyday I wake up wishing that it was all just some really bad dream.  And unfortunately I'm still living that nightmare.  It's not going away anytime soon.

I've gone back to work at both jobs and I'm trying to get back to normal.  Or at least as normal as things will ever be again.  The ponies have been a huge comfort to me, as you can expect.

I've had this post sitting out here as a draft for a while now.   I just haven't been able to hit that publish button, as if it somehow makes things more real.  I know crazy huh?  Like it's any less real just because I haven't blogged about it?

Thank you all for your support, your words mean so much more to me than you can possibly know.

I love you big brother, and I know that someday I'll get to see you again.


~~~~~~In Loving Memory~~~~~~

Todd Michael Pavlinich
April 25, 1975 ~~ June 30, 2011

2 comments:

Kate July 18, 2011 at 9:16 PM  

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you and your family.

Jane July 21, 2011 at 3:07 PM  

I'm so sorry. Condolences from our whole family...